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Through The Woods Review

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Through The Woods	Falcon

Director: Chi Chi LaRue
Reviewed by: Louis
1/17/2005 comments link

It's finally here — it's finally in my hands. Pierre Fitch's ass!

Or, at least, the DVD which features it so prominently on the cover, Through The Woods from Falcon. Words fail me, but just think Caravaggio with a dash of Michelangelo and a pinch of David LaChapelle. It's the ass that launched a thousand ships.

Through The Woods is Little Red Riding Hood-themed, and Pierre Fitch is the lad who wears the red hood(ie) for a trip to Grandmother's house. But not before he sucks off roommate DC Chandler, a looker with a fine dick. Fresh-faced Fitch is at his handsomest in this movie, and goes at it with gusto. And Chandler seems especially excited to get a chance at the dark-haired hottie of the moment. Fucking ensues.

Through The Woods

It turns out "Pierre" (that's his character's name, too) lives in San Francisco, where hitchiking is not advised. Doesn't he know we have the highest per capita rate of registered sex offenders in California? Needless to say, he thumbs it anyway and gets picked up by high school principal Gus Mattox — and you can imagine what a pervert he turns out to be!

Flashback to the Prinicpal's office. Four young men in Catholic school attire have been called in for "acting up" in class. "That's one swat apiece, boys!" Mattox tells them. Incidentally, Gus makes a good principal, as he continues to inhabit that grey area (pun intended) between muscle hunk and daddy-hunk. He's the Principal I'd Like to Fuck (PILF).

But his students are bad. Barrett Long, Tristan Adonis, Nate Alexander and Marcus Allen have each put on double-pairs of Calvins so the Principal's paddling wouldn't hurt, enraging Mattox when he discovers their treachery. One thing leads to another and, as is typical in these situations, the boys wind up circle-jerking around their Principal. Eventually they all have to suck Mattox' dick — a fair punishment, all things considered. Tristan Adonis gets the best grade, at least according to what I know about Californian educational standards. He sucks like he's suffocating and there's oxygen in Gus' balls — a whole tank of it.

Apparently, hottie Andrew Rubio has been the worst-behaved student of all, since Principal Gus then orders, "I want you to lick every sweaty ass in this room!" Sock fetishists will be in heaven, as the other 4 boy-men lean back on Principal's desk and lift their legs in the air, everyone's feet in matching black socks. Once again, Tristan Adonis seems to enjoy the sex most explosively. He later takes a pounding by Barrett Long's whopper that, though brief, I will remember for a long time to come. Sometimes all you need is a glimpse. All that youth, all that pale skin! Someone get me my nitro, stat!

Tristan Adonis, proving his versatility as an actor, also plays a truck-driving cowboy in the next scene, pissing by the side of the road after Fitch is dropped off by Mattox. I particularly enjoyed the writing here:

Fitch: "Can I get a ride?"

Adonis: "Where you goin'?"

Fitch: "To my Grandma's in Santa Rosa."

Adonis: "What do I get, if I give you a ride?"

Fitch: "I never have sex with people who gives me rides. It's like the rules."

Adonis: "Rules, huh? Well, I haven't exactly given you a ride yet, have I?"

Fitch: "No. I guess you haven't."

Clever logic! Adonis may have a second career ahead as a criminal defense attorney. Fitch proceeds to blow him, then sparks fly as the two make out with afici�n. The phrase that comes to mind is, "When stars collide." Ah, to have been a fly on the wall — or at least a second cameraman! The two of them seem to totally forget they are surrounded by crew as they go at it.

Little Rid Riding Hoodie finally makes it to Santa Rosa, enters an empty cabin, and finds a cowboy hat and tries it on; it's a little too big. Then he sits on a leather couch that's a little too small — or uncomfortable or something. Finally he finds one that's just right. Wait, is this Goldilocks? Thankfully, no bears are in sight.

While Fitch naps, a strange turn of events occurs that has Jason Adonis, Bobby Williams, and Collin O'Neal arriving at the cabin. "You know," says Adonis, "I don't know what it is about this cabin, but every time I come here I just want to jerk off. Let's have a circle jerk!"

They haven't actually checked to see if "Grandma" is home yet, but I'm suspending my disbelief. Who knows, maybe the scene will turn out to be a three-guy/one-woman orgy. Adorable Bobby Williams is clearly taken by Adonis, so here's another scene where the chemistry is for real. And Adonis looks less primped and fussed-over than he has in previous movies, wearing a flannel lumberjack shirt and convincingly portraying himself as "one of the boys". Bobby quickly maneuvers his mouth to the vicinity of Adonis' cock. Poor Collin O'Neal is the odd man out, but I guess somebody had to be. I mean, somebody other than Grandma.

O'Neal starts getting more attention when Williams realizes he's got a dick the size of a fallen tree — a fallen tree that's still very much standing up, of course. Williams wears himself out sucking both guys' cocks in a frenzy, reminding you just how much energy these young kids have. Good times.

The final scene has the expected pairing of Fitch and Principal Mattox, who is hiding in Grandma's bed, presumably having killed and eaten her as in the fairy tale. Fitch takes this in stride: "Mr. Wolf, you certainly have a big cock!" Well, it's not that big, I mean, aren't Barrett Long and Collin O'Neal in this movie, too? But then, Fitch hasn't had any scenes with them, so I won't cavil.

Considering Mattox is the Big Bad Mr. Wolf, the sex he and Pierre have is a little on the tender side. Maybe it's the frilly Grandma bed they're lying on. "It's all yours, baby. It's all for you," Mattox says of his penis. I don't doubt it. Mine's all for Pierre Fitch and I've never even met him!

Overall rating: A +++ ! This is one for the ages, and the Best Porn Film of 2005!

Starring Falcon Exclusives: Pierre Fitch, Jason Adonis,

Tristan Adonis, Bobby Williams, Barrett Long, Gus Mattox.

Featuring Falcon Models: DC Chandler, Andrew Rubio, Marcus Allen, Nate Alexander, Collin O'Neal.